Tips for Parenting Teens Transitioning into Adulthood!

Recently I read a quote that really made me think: “If your house were a church, would your dinner guests want to come back for another visit?" (By Jeramie Rinne). As I meditated on what that means, I realized that our homes are the visible proof of our leadership & organizational skills. Our first ministry priority should be our family, and if we can't govern our family, how can we expect God to trust us with the multitudes?

There are many scriptures regarding the home: marriage relationships, parenting, & children. Perhaps one of my favorites is the parable that Jesus taught in Matthew 7:24-27:

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”

After reading that passage only one question comes to mind: What is your house founded upon? Is it founded on Christ, the chief corner stone (1 Peter 2), or is it founded on the sinking sand of strife and stress? Can your family withstand the storms of life? On any given day, what is the feel of your home? Is it filled with tension from all of the years of conflicts that have yet to be resolved, or is it filled with the shalom of God’s presence? In the Greek, the root word for built, in the scriptures above is “oikodomē” which means to build up, to edify, to repair, to promote growth in Christian wisdom, affection, virtue and holiness. Christ is calling us to build our houses upon Him who is love.

Ephesians 6:1-4 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”Provoke is a strong word, defined by anger and violence. In the Greek, the word for provoke is "parorgizo" meaning to exasperate or annoy. Many read this passage in Ephesians and tend to focus more on the importance of a child honoring and obeying their father and mother. And although, that is incredibly important, I believe that the parents have the power, through God’s grace, to treat their children in a way that makes them desire and long to honor and obey their parents. It's not hard to honor and obey someone when you feel a great sense of love & respect for them. The key words in this passage are "nurture and admonition of the Lord." Nurture means "the whole training and education of children, which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and also includes the training and care of the body". Admonition means a gentle or friendly reproof. As natural and spiritual parents, we need to be careful to correct students in a gentle way. So often, we see what someone has done and assume we know the motive and in our wrath we miss out on correcting them in God's gentle, and merciful way. God knows the heart of the matter, he understands the root cause of a child acting out. If we, like God, begin to look at the heart with gentleness we could get to the root so much quicker. ( 1 Samuel 16:7) How many times have you corrected your child for their attitude before asking them what the deeper issue is? Many times we treat the symptoms, instead of addressing the root, which never results in a true change of heart.

There is always going to be a place for discipline. We all know the scriptures that talk about the “rod” (Proverbs 13:24; Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 23:13-16; Proverbs 29:15,17), but sometimes the best discipline is allowing a child to face the reality and the weight of life. The truth is that consequences and punishment in the home are only there to prevent a child from having to face the more cruel consequences of reality. There comes a point in life, especially in the teenage years when a parent must transition from counseling to coaching. Parenting must begin with advising a child continuously, this is known as counseling or advising. Coaching is more about asking the right questions to guide them to making good choices on their own. At times you have to stand on the sidelines. You will see them make mistakes, but let them feel the consequences without babying them, it's part of the learning experience.

As a youth pastor, I spend the majority of my time with teens who are transitioning into adulthood. The following are some of the downfalls of parenting that I have witnessed first-hand at their age:

1. Most parents express the desire for a better level of communication with their child, but when the child finally opens up, they tend to over-react & lecture the child which causes them to further shut-down. Children are born with a desire for their parents approval. Showing that you are disappointed or disapproving in the wrong way can keep the child from being transparent for fear of further disappointing you. In fact, Proverbs 17:6 says, “ the glory of children is their parents.” It will help them if you choose to wisely respond instead of choosing to react in haste.

2. Many times when children show parents things that they are proud of, & the parents (because they want their children to be the very best) spend more time telling them what they could do better than, encouraging them and showing that their proud. This leaves the child feeling like they're best is never good enough. Part of creating a nurturing atmosphere in the home is giving constant encouragement & edification.

3. Each child is completely unique, certain styles of discipline work better for certain personality types. Familiarity isn't just an issue from a child to the parent, it can also be an issue from the parent to a child. Understanding how your child thinks can help you to discern the way to effectively discipline them. I believe that discernment is one of the most key components to parenting.

4. Viewing your children through the eyes of your past mistakes can cause much frustration and can even cause premature curiosity in areas that they wouldn't have dabbled in before the parent mentioned it. Make sure that you are not walking in fear, "perfect love casts out all fear."

5. Many parents are quick to notice the negative and forget to verbalize the positive things. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, provoke not your children [to anger], lest they be discouraged.”

6. The phrase ”Because I said so" does nothing to grow the child's decision making abilities. Although there are times when it is not the appropriate place to discuss your reasoning, there comes an age where parents should try to explain why they made their decisions. In the long-run this will create a decision making process for the child to glean from. One day when they are in a bind they will be able to say "what would my parents do if they were in my shoes?" and will be able to walk out the pros & cons responsibly. Duet. 6:4-9 says, “And you shall teach them [God’s ways] diligently unto your children, and you shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall bind them for a sign upon your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. And you shall write them upon the posts of your house, and on your gates.” God desires for us to teach our children in practical ways. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

7. Many families are self-centered and the majority of their problems stem from an inability to walk in each others shoes. In the stress and strife of everyday life, it’s easy to forget that the world doesn’t revolve around us. We have to open our eyes and realize that there may be people out there who need us more than we need them. If everyone is focused on looking out for one another, theoretically speaking, each person would recieve the love and help that they need.

8. Many parents and children miss each other's attempts to love on one another simply because they don't understand each other's love languages. (Acts of service, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation & quality time -Gary Chapman). For those of you who have not read the book 5 Love Languages, I strongly suggest you do. It will change you life, giving you better strategies for effective relationships.

9. Many parents verbalize their desire for their child to become a responsible adult, but then when the rubber meets the road, they won't allow them to take on the responsibilities. Neglecting to realize that your child is quickly growing up can actually stunt their maturing process. It’s something like juggling, if you want to keep an effortless flow going, there comes a point when you have to let things go long enough to keep something else from falling. Let go a little, it will allow them to spread their wings.

10. Loosen Up! Don't be so tied to a schedule that you miss out on a special memory in the making! Psalm 127 says, "If the LORD does not build a house, then those who build it work in vain. If the LORD does not guard a city, then the watchman stands guard in vain. It is vain for you to rise early, come home late, and work so hard for your food. Yes, he can provide for those whom he loves even when they sleep. Yes, sons are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Sons born during one's youth are like arrows in a warrior's hand. How blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! They will not be put to shame when they confront enemies at the city gate.” People are what matter most to God, don’t get so caught up in the processes that you forget that the processes are only there to serve the people in the first place.

11. It's ok to let the small things slide. Think of the boy who cried wolf, if you make every little thing, a big thing to your child, they won't be able to discern the importance of the major issues when they come around.

12. Learning to apologize for your parenting mistakes is not a weakness, in fact it proves your humanity to your children in a way that makes it easier for them to relate to you. I truly believe that one of the greatest leadership traits is the ability to accept responsibility for ones mistakes. Jeramie Rinne said the following quote, “How do you resolve the inherent tension of being a sheep-turned-shepherd? You don’t. You embrace it. You answer the call to shepherd and at the same time declare your utter dependence on the Lord. You say, “Let’s go this way,” while joining the rest of the church in crying out, “Lord, guide us.”

13. When it comes to conflict-resolution parents should allow their children to confront their issues. If you always fight their battles for them, it will create a victim mentality, instead of a victor mentality. You can create set up the environment, but let them do the talking!

Ultimately, parents are just as human as their children. They are selflessly doing their best to care for their child. The above statements are not meant to overwhelm, but rather to stand as a reminder that it’s ok to let go a little. Your job as a parent is to transition your child’s dependence from you, to God. You can trust your parenting, by trusting your child to take on more responsibility.